Repairing A Business Relationship

In March of 2006 I wrote this post:

"How do you repair a business relationship that has gotten off to a bad start, or has been damaged?"


The question had come to me in an email from a reader of this blog and I did my best to share some observations and advice.

Over the years I have seen in my analytic reports that several people stumble upon my blog with a search on a related topic to repairing a damaged relationship.  As humans are prone to make mistakes, this topic can be one of concern.... and clearly one that comes up often.

I too have had experiences with bruised feelings and broken connections.  Sometimes these are a result of my stumbles (I am happy to admit if I screw up), and other situations have been because of the other person's actions.  Most of the time it is likely a two way street and a result of a breakdown in communication.  

Although I try to lead by example in my interactions with people, I am always reminded that whenever you have interactions with other human beings... the other people have their own point of view, opinions, and their own "stuff".  We can never fully know the "back-story" of the other people, and that is why it is best to give people the benefit of the doubt and be slow to anger and fast to forgive.  

Forgiveness is tough for those who think the world is out to get them or whose first reaction is "what's in it for me".  Those who think that people want to take advantage of them are more likely to hold grudges and want to punish others.  

I had a situation this week with a person I only know online.  I failed to follow up with them and he let me know he was angry, and asked me to never contact him again.  I genuinely felt bad, and through an exchange of emails he offered the chance to start over.  I had pegged him as one who lead with collaboration, and I was pleased to find his quick path to forgiveness.  Now the burden is on me to advance the relationship so that we can really "know" each other (as online links do not give enough foundation to carry one over a stumbling block), and I must be careful not to drop the ball again anytime soon (all people will drop the ball from time to time, it is just not doing it again too soon!).  If you find forgiveness, you must cherish it, as it is a gift that is not often given!

I am happy about the online dis-connect with this gentleman (well, I am not "happy", but for me it has worked out okay), as it ties directly into my efforts to be "better" in 2012.  By facing my own shortcomings and mistakes this year I am learning (maybe growing?).  We live in a busy world where many of us cannot keep up with everything.  This wont change, as I think it will just get crazier over the next few years.  Being aware of the fall out that can occur is paramount to not making the same mistakes over and over again. 

This is why friendships matter in business relationships.  If you really care about someone you will be more prone to want to fix a situation before it gets out of hand.  When we only know someone via a social media site there is little on which to hold a mutual understanding.  Pride gets in the way and then there is little we can do to get back to a mutually beneficial relationship.

When communication breaks down then their is a vacuum of assumptions that fill the void.  The key to avoiding conflict is better communication.  If the relationships is hurt, then it can often take a willingness on both sides to get to a resolution.  If one person is too angry or otherwise hurt, then there is little that can be done to finding a place to restart, rebuild, or reconnect. 

Have A Great Day.

thom singer

How Small Companies and Small Vendors Can Become Real Partners

There is a great interview with Ken Piddington, CIO of Global Partners LP, on the Network World website about how he implemented an innovate vendor partnership program within his company.

I highly recommend that everyone from big companies, and those who are vendors to large corporations, read this article.  It is full of great suggestions, concepts and tips for improving ways that business can maximize their relationships with suppliers (and create win / win results).

[Note: I have met both Ken Piddington and the writer, John Dix].

But you do not need to be a giant multi-national company to expect meaningful partnership relationships with your vendors.  The same concepts that Ken has put into place are also possible for small companies and solo-entrepreneurs.  The expectations of a strategy for efficiency should be present in all working relationships.  Both the vendors and the clients must create a mutual understanding and a policy of respect.

Here are my thoughts for how small vendors and small customers can better create win / win relationships:

1.  Be realistic.  As a customer I have high expectations of what I expect from those who provide me with products and services.  At the same time I also know that I am a small fish in the ponds where I purchase.  Many small businesses complain that those from whom they make the least money complain the most.  I have talked with several consultants and other businesses who routinely (and happily) fire clients who act as if they are the only priority. As a customer I try to not set unrealistic demands and expectations on those with whom I work.  When there is a difference of opinion in how a situation is handled I attempt to not have an overblown and knee jerk reaction toward my vendors.  Threatening to take my tiny spend elsewhere will not put the fear of God into them, and I do not like to have an adversary relationship with anyone whom I do business.

2.  Ask questions.  When I assume I know what is going on  behind the scenes I almost always screw up the relationship.  The more questions I ask of my vendors and my clients, the better chance I have of getting it right.

3.  Seek solutions through understanding.  When conflict does arrive I try to seek an understanding of their situation.  I had one vendor point out that while they like doing business with me, they do not make any profit from my contract.  They keep me as a client because they believe in me and the growth of my company, but once I realized the realities of my real value to them, my expectations changed.  We continue to work together, and I refer them other clients whenever I can to make up for what I am not paying them in dollars.

4.  Think Win / Win.  Regardless of being the vendor or the client you both should approach all interactions from a pursuit of "win / win" (beyond the exchange of money for services). When this is done well then there is more opportunity for victory.  Too often I used to think my writing a check (as a client) or receiving a check (as a vendor) as the most important part of that relationship.  That changed after having a vendor relationship with a PR firm who I later realized only saw our relationship as their cashing my checks. There was no long term win / win from them.  The experience was a disaster.  Over time I could have provided them with a good amount of referral business beyond the engagement, but they were only concerned with the transactional elements.  They did not care about me, thus I now send my referrals elsewhere.  From the start that relationship was never about the bigger picture for either of us, and that it was doomed to fail.

The PR disaster taught me to interview vendors and seek partners who want to see an ongoing friendship beyond just the transaction.

5.  Say "Thank You".  Even when you are paying someone to do a job, thanking them goes a long way.  When you need to complain, be sure to wrap it in the context of all the good things the vendor has provided you along the way.  If you just focus on the problem, then the value of all the positives that have come before are washed away in a flood of emotion.  If you are the vendor, the "thank you" to the client is a reminder that you appreciate their business.  It is easy to get busy or to turn gratitude into an automated task.  When both partners remember to show appreciation, the relationship lasts longer and pays more dividends.

Regardless of if you are a big company or solo-entrepreneur (or any size in-between) you want meaningful partnerships with your vendors. As a vendor you long for clients who want to see you be successful, not just those who want the best price.  Put plans in place to create better relationships and everyone wins.

In the Network World article Ken Piddington said:

"I said I no longer wanted event driven relationships. I want it to be better planned out, not just you selling me and not just me calling you because of a problem."

Real power comes from the cultivation of long-term and mutually beneficial relationships where everyone is has more success because of those relationships than they would without them.

Have A Great Day.

thom singer

Are You Open To Criticism?

Learning from your mistakes and short comings is a great way to become better, but to do this you must be open to seeing where you come up light.  Often we do not notice our own faults and we must rely on others to help us discover ways to improve.

The problem is that too few friends, and even fewer strangers, will ever share constructive criticism.  Instead they keep quiet and you are left to repeat your mistakes.  This can continue unchecked for a long time... especially if the problem is minor.

I recently received an email giving me feedback.  I was very impressed that this person, whom I have only met once, took the time to show me where I dropped the ball.  I remember the situation, but did not view the whole picture through his eyes.  

At the time of the infraction I was busy and distracted...... does that sound familiar?  That is an answer we all use to justify selfish behaviors (me too!).  

We hear the busy excuse all the time, but is it really legitimate?  I think not.

When you have a lot on your plate you must still pay attention to how your actions (or lack of actions) are impacting others.  It is rare that a good soul will step up set you straight in a nice way (sure, the jerks are always happy to show you the dark side of yourself). I appreciate this guy, as he hit me in the heart, as my intention was not equal to the result.

Are you open to criticism?  When you are...it can sting (ouch).   But then you grow.

Have A Great Day.

thom singer

Social Media Makes Networking More Difficult

Before social media networking was hard. People struggled to make meaningful connections, and often looked in awe at a select few who seemed to have the powerful connections that lead to business opportunities. In any industry "fame" and "celebrity" rested with a few who congregated at the top.  Others looked in with their noses pressed against the glass.

Was it family connections, the right college, or just a stellar outgoing personality that gave some folks the advantage in the game of interpersonal relationships?  No matter, they had the power of business relationship and they kept it to themselves.

Then came online social networking.  The Internet was thought to democratize the ability to connect.  The power was shifted to the people.  Anyone with high speed access could play.  The early adopters who had not done well at networking cheered.  Gone was the need to spend time talking to strangers at some industry happy hour, hoping to establish something meaningful.

Instead you could link freely.  People from all walks of life were equalized and excited to make the connections.  Friend requests were granted, and the world was new.

So why is networking still hard?  Why is it even harder to make, grow and keep your business relationships than it was before?

Why is there so much social media overload and the lack of meaningful opportunities being shared with the masses.  Again, many are on the outside looking in as a few garner all the attention.  The players have changed, but there is still those who are in the club, and those who are on the outside.  Why when so much has changed has so much remained the same?

The answer is that networking has not changed.  The tools we use to communicate are new, but people are basically the same.  The old adage that people want to do business with those they know, like and trust remains in tact.

However, the definition of the word "KNOW" has changed in our society.  The ease of finding out basic information about each other has become simple.  To "know" someone now only seems to take a Google Search or a visit to a LinkedIn profile.  "Know" used to involve effort, and with that effort came understanding and intimacy.  Along the route to getting to know somebody we discovered if the "liked" and "trusted" them.  Now we never get that far.

Networking is harder because people falsely believed we could take shortcuts to friendships.  But people still only care for you when they decide they care... and once a mutually beneficial relationship is established.  A "Facebook Friend" is not really a "friend", but instead just the name that Mark Zuckerberg attached to a digital link.

With so much noise we now have to work even more to get the attention of others and establish connections.  People are flocking back to industry conferences, Chambers of Commerce meetings and face-to-face lunches and coffee chats. 

You would claim that the Austin, Texas phonebook (yes, they still do print phonebooks) is the equivalent of your network ("Look mom, I have 1.2 million people in my network... I have all their phone numbers and could call anyone of them at any time!"). Strangers, friends-of-friends, celebrities, and others whom you do not actually know are not really your business or personal connections.  If you do not want to look back one day and discover that your social media contacts are leaving you outside looking in, then you need to put in the effort to get to know some of them in real life.

It takes work to establish and cultivate human to human relationships.  Friendships are not based on clicks of the mouse but on clinks of the glasses.  Spending time with people and making memories is key.  People are experiential beings, and when we share our lives together we create bonds.

Networking is never about the number of contacts you have or how you store the information database.  It is always about the establishment of long-term and mutually beneficial relationships between two or more people where all involved find more success because of the connections than they would have without the connections.  Simple, and forever true.

I am sorry that networking is hard.  It is only getting more difficult. But the longer you wait to invest in people, the longer it will take you to create the network that will lead to new opportunities.  We tried to invent shortcuts to meaningful relationships, but there is no app for that!

Have A Great Day

thom singer

Be The Chauffeur

This week the Austin chapter of the National Speakers Association hosted a workshop by David Newman.

David specializes in working with service business owners who want to stop throwing money into a marketing black hole and attract, engage, and win more customers.

The event was educational, but I also had the honor of getting to know David while he was visiting Austin. I volunteered to pick him up at the airport and also drive him to the NSA event. We had a great conversation and I learned more about his successful speaking, coaching, and consulting business. He also shared some insightful ideas for my career.... and he has a friend who might be the ideal person for me to partner with for a new project.

David stayed in Austin through the weekend and I had the chance to meet he and his wife at my favorite Mexican Restaurant (Guero's Taco Bar). They had a great time touring Austin, and I think I helped them map out a few other cool restaurants and places of interest.

When your company or professional organization hosts a VIP guest from out-of-town you might want to consider volunteering to pick them up and drive them to their destination. This is a great way to get to know the speaker. At the event you are one of many people in the audience. In your car you are the only driver. You can get a lot of amazing input from these visiting thought-leaders and establish the foundation for an ongoing friendship.

Investing the time to serve as the chauffeur is not a sacrifice, it is an investment in people. Human beings are experiential creatures. When you share time with someone you create a bond, even if that experience is a short drive.

When Gary Vaynerchuk was in Austin to speak at a technology dinner I drove him to and from his hotel. I asked him "if you had Gary V in your car for 20 minutes, what advice would you ask you?" What followed was a great conversation, and I learned more about Gary than I ever could have from reading his book (Crush It!) or following his tweets on Twitter.

Spending time with people, even when you are driving them to and from their hotel, is a great way to expand your network and learn from the masters.

Have A Great Day.

thom

Never Discard Good People

The holiday season can be a reflective time. For me it reminds me of my the best parts of my youth. The "Ghost of Christmas Past" tends to visit me regularly during this time of year, and I am blessed with several positive memories of friends and family.

When I was a kid, my mom did not go overboard on the decorating, but she did make sure there was much holiday joy around the house (think presents, candy and cookies!). She liked to invite people to our home during the holidays. I recall relatives and friends popping in for "Hot Toddies" during the days around Christmas. I still enjoy the idea of seeing the people you love at the holidays.

This is an ideal time to remember those who have had a positive effect on your life. Some have come and gone throughout the years. Some have passed away. Others have drifted off in different directions. But people matter and it can be easy to lose sight of this powerful fact.

Sure, there are some bad people who have crossed your path... and we need not revisit these relationships. But I believe most people are of a good heart, and we should not forget that they would be thrilled to know you still think of them in such a powerful way.

Sending holiday cards is a great way to keep in touch. While limited, it is a tradition that exists for a reason. I have many friends who have profoundly touched my life with whom I am no longer in regular contact. While some are lost, others I have kept on my holiday card list because I cannot bring myself to stop wanting this annual "touch point". These people matter to me, helped shape me, and discarding them would just seem wrong.

People should not be discarded. While we certainly do not stay close to everyone, honoring the memory of a relationship is important. My roommate from the dorm at San Diego State (freshman year of college), Terry, and I have a tradition of a phone call at the holidays. He is a police officer in California, and we do not keep in contact regularly. But for over 20 years we have both cherished the annual conversation. I will call him this week, and look forward hearing about his life.

Only once have I ever felt discarded by another person. I had a misunderstanding with a friend who never gave me the chance to repair the problem (both of us were at fault). I was tossed aside like trash. This experience helped me understand the power of human relationships, and how important they are to our souls. I have tried to learn from this experience and have made people a priority. I hope I have not made others feel discarded, but if I have, I would actively participate in the repair of the situation.

Facebook and other social media tools have helped make it easier to stay in touch and to cherish relationships. While we all get pulled in different directions, these pervasive technologies makes it simple to keep in touch with those who matter to you. It does still take effort to keep a friendship alive. A "link" on a social media site does not in itself say "I care", and without occasionally reaching out to the people on your "friend lists", you will disappear from their view.

Take advantage of the holiday season to find ways to tell people they matter to you.

Have A Great Day.

thom

Ambassadors For Growth

I was asked to deliver a presentation for a group of leaders at a church. This long established institution is growing, building a new sanctuary, and looking to invite additional families into their congregation. They have a wonderful community, but if left to chance they would not have the same levels of success in their expansion. A seminar to bring the internal leaders onto point in regards to creating a "welcome wagon mentality" was right on target.

In discussions on ideas for the program I came up with the theme of "Ambassadors for Growth", as it was clear that this church wants to highlight its grassroots culture and encourage existing members to take an active roll in making new families feel welcome.

I spent many hours working on my "Some Assembly Required: How to Make, Grow and Keep Your Business Relationships" presentation to customize the messages to meet the needs of a religious community instead of a business organization.

I consulted with several friends who are active in their religious communities (from several different religions), and found similar concepts around how "People Are Seeking A Feeling of Connection". This is the same point I teach when I speak to companies and law firms, or coach individuals on business development topics.

The seminar I conducted for thirty leaders in this faith community was an hour presentation followed by another hour of facilitated discussion. The idea that every church leader and member was an "Ambassador for Growth" resonated well with the participants. There was an excitement in the room when all agreed to expand the existing a culture of connection throughout the parish by taking a specific action step. While many useful ideas were shared, and will be embraced... one idea from the crowd was the "ah ha" moment in the dialogue:

Each of the thirty people in the room would recruit three other "ambassadors" who would agree to meet one new person or family each week following the services. This would equal nearly 100 people who would approach one stranger (existing member or the church or new-comer), and make them feel more welcome.

What was best about this action is that even an introvert can agree to talk to one person a week, and with 100 people doing this, the idea would spread to others. Soon there will be more connecting going on within the church, and thus it will become a more welcoming place (this church already has a welcoming reputation, but wants to do even more!).

Simple. Sure. But without having the leaders all sit together and discuss the process, it would just be another idea that everyone assumes is already happening, or was too simple to have an impact. People over-think and over-analyze concepts all the time rather than taking action. This little action, if executed, will be a seed that can sprout into a mighty oak!

Leading this workshop was a great experience. I love when the message of my presentations translates to new demographics and diverse audiences. I also get very charged up when the best ideas and action items come from the participants sharing and inspiring each other.

Have I mentioned I love my job!

Have A Great Day.

thom

Praising Others Makes You Stand Out

Chris Brogan wrote on his blog about his friend Suzanne Vara. He dedicated a whole post to praising what a great person she it to hang around. I am sure Chris knows a lot of people, but the reason he gave her such a public pat on the back is because she's a person who talks positively about other people.

Seems funny that such a widely read blogger as Chris Brogan would dedicate a whole post highlighting a person who "has so many good things to share about others". But in our society this is more the exception than the rule.

Who do you know in your life who talks others up instead of talking people down? Do you praise them? I think you should. Write about them on your blog, Facebook, or Twitter. Or send them a private note telling them you admire how they find the best in others.

I left the following comment on Chris's blog post:

While I do not know Suzanne, she sounds amazing in heart and soul.

I do find it sad in our society that we must call out those people who "talk about others ceaselessly in the best sense....... It’s refreshing to hear someone have so many good things to share about others." I wish all people just did this naturally.

I once heard a psychologist (can't recall who) say "the formula for a happy marriage was five positive comments toward your spouse for every one negative comment". This goes beyond marriage, and effects all relationships. People who say negative stuff in business relationships sometimes balance their words with one positive... but negative comments sting more than good things please.... so that "always going positive thing" makes one stand out as spectacular (like your friend Suzanne Vara).

If people read this far in the comments I hope they will accept the challenge to mirror her and talk people up all the time. They will stand out from the crowd and warrant this type of tribute someday!

I find it interesting that those who are always critical of others are the same ones who question why certain individuals are successful. I wonder if you can trace the "praise others quotient" directly to success levels? I bet you can!

Have A Great Day.

thom

The Hierarchy of People

In school we learned about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, a theory in psychology, proposed by Abraham Maslow in his 1943 paper "A Theory of Human Motivation":


Maslow is regularly cited in business, government and sociological studies and his theory simplifies what is important to people. Before you can go to higher levels, you must satisfy the lower needs.

During the recent years of recession and economic uncertainty many people are living on the second level ("safety / security"). They have seen jobs become unstable or evaporate, and they are worried about the future. When living at this level we are very self-focused.

While humans always strive for the top of any pyramid, and certainly desire "self-actualization", too many are congregating at the bottom levels without a plan to go higher.

Interesting to me is how many people try to skip the middle. In good times and bad there are large numbers that are stuck in "safety needs" who could be raising themselves up. They are not moving toward "self-actualization" because they fail to see the importance of other people. They attempt to jump for the top layers and never create a stable foundation.

Years ago when I began writing and speaking on the topic of "The Power of Business Relationship and Networking" I was told the subject was fluffy. Today smart companies are demanding the skills of building meaningful connections be part of the training provided to their employees. After years of recession business leaders are realizing that much of their success has come through their networks. Thus they are questioning why they (and their employees) do not have more long-term and established relationships.

I am getting inquires to speak from companies, law firms, and associations of all sizes who are struggling to get their team up the pyramid. They think the "social" step should be easy, but are constantly discovering their people are not embracing the importance of business relationships in a way that allows the company to win more business. All opportunities come from people, and to sustain success you need to focus on cultivating your network!

If you want to reach the top you cannot skip the "social" level in the middle.

People matter. While it seems intangible, (and hard to manage, count, and reward) it is the only path to achieving real success.

Have A Great Day.

thom

Let Your Information Be Shared - AND Wow It Is A Small World (Two Interesting Things In One Blog Post!)

Two weeks ago (June 22, 2010) Chris Brogan wrote a blog post about "The Beauty of Keeping Information Shareable". In this post he talked about how he releases all content on his blog [chrisbrogan.com] under the Creative Commons license, which means that you can share and reuse my information within reason and with some attribution back to the original post.

He went on to site an example of how one blog reader, Paul Durban, created a cool video out of one of his recent blog posts: 50 Power Twitter Tips. I had read the post and viewed the cool YouTube video that Paul made by using Chris's original information on the day it appeared on Chris's blog.

This triggers my own blog post here for two reasons:

1. Chris is right about making your information shareable and being open to others taking it to new levels, as long as they give attribution. I talk with many authors, blogger, speakers and others who are ultra freaked-out about anyone touching their work, or even quoting them unless they are some how compensated.

While I understand the desire to maintain control over a brand, there are advantages of having the power of other people's creativity expand your own product. It is not only famous people like Chris Brogan who put out interesting nuggets of information that can inspire others, and when we are the catalyst of creativity, everyone wins.

Some are so concerned with their control and compensation early in their career that they are missing out the chance to ever make it out of the basement. Letting other people expand on your ideas can take you to new levels. I encourage anyone who reads my blog to feel free to continue the discussion. Nobody needs to ask me if they can quote me, or use my content as part of something new (as long as they give me credit and a link back!). I try not to "step over $100 bills to pick up pennies"!

I find it interesting how myopic some people are about this topic. Too many people are living in the old media world of needing to have total control of everything related to their products. I like seeing some of the creative things that occur when people connect in random examples (such as this video that was spawned by Chris's blog post).

Just like customer reviews for products and services have extreme power online to influence consumer purchases (think Bazaarvoice), having other expanding your ideas into new vehicles (like the above mentioned video, etc...) has more impact than if Chris had created this video himself.

2. Small world. I know a Paul Durban. I read Chris Brogan blog regularly, and saw this post sighting Paul's creative video... but never made the connection in my own head.

I went to high school with a Paul Durban. THIS PAUL DURBAN! We both grew up in a suburb of Los Angeles, California. He now lives in Nebraska, I live in Texas. We had not really had much contact over 26 years (disclaimer, we have been connected on Facebook for a few months, so he was not totally forgotten). Today he followed me on Twitter, and I clicked over to see his website for his eBook and Video company, Blazonfire. WOW.... he does some amazing things. I called him to tell him I was impressed with both the high quality of his eBooks, but even more with his promotional video production.

Turns out our career are complementary and we should have known that. Now it looks like we may be able to refer business to each other, and I enjoyed hearing more about his creative company, his family, and his vision for the future. He mentioned the above discussed blog post on Brogan's blog, and I remembered having seen it. I went back and looked, and realized his name was in big letters (with a link). Duh!

But think about this folks: 26 years have gone by.... we live thousands of miles in opposite directions from where we grew up, and yet our paths crossed on a blog like ChrisBrogan.com..... and yet we missed the connection (well, I missed it, Paul missed nothing, as I was not mentioned!). How many other amazing people are we just missing? To quote Maxwell Smart; "I missed it by THIS much!"

Just because you have a link to someone on Facebook, LinkedIn or Twitter does not mean that you are really connected. So much of these social media communities are just over crowded and we do not really mesh with the available opportunities. We are often not looking deep enough at the people with whom we are connected (regardless of how well we know them... or knew them!). Here is someone whom I should have had a conversation with months ago, but I did not see it. Then his name crossed my path in a highly public way, and I did not see it. Sometimes the universe is sending messages and we do not listen.

I do not think it is just me (am I the only moron?). I think "Social Media" (whatever that really is any more) is so filled with BS, that the real gems are right there and few people can see them. We need to take a collective deep breath and look at whom has crossed out paths in life and look for ways to create mutually beneficial relationships where everyone succeeds more!

Have A Great Day.

thom

The Lust To Link - Fewer People Want a "One-Night-Link"

More and more people are feeling slutty when linking to strangers on LinkedIn and Facebook. As they mature in their use of social media they are realizing that links without the love, while fun, can just leave everyone with little to show for their connections.

Additionally, social media does not scale to the whole world. Eventually if you have too many contacts it just becomes noise. The people who you do know, like and trust become lost in a sea of status updates from random people who are rambling about things that do not matter.

At the "Social Media Day Tech Karaoke" event the I joined a conversation with two highly known and respected members of the community. They were talking about my "Coffee / Meal / Beer Rule" for accepting connections on Facebook and LinkedIn (I only link to people in those two social media communities with whom I have had a real conversation. There are exceptions, as there are other ways to get to know someone, but I do not link upon the first meeting). One of them had gotten so many strangers into his social media world that he was finding it necessary to "cut back". He was dumping the strangers.

Interestingly, that same person had sent me a LinkedIn request the night we met over a year ago. I never accepted it. However, over the 12 months I have seen him in person and online several times and I have grown to know and respect him. Thus, I was ready to accept the link. Meanwhile, he is dropping all the others who he did not develop a mutual understanding over the past two years. He agreed that while he did not originally see the power of a social media linking policy, he is now creating one of his own that will be similar to the "Coffee / Meal / Beer Rule".

When social media was new many users were horny to use it to connect to anyone. While there are some who will forever argue in favor of their orgy of useless contacts, all they are creating is a Phone Book. Sure you have names and contact information, but so what? You would not pick up a Phone Book and randomly begin dialing people to talk and calling them your "Friends", why is a link to a stranger any different?

Contrary to what some believe social media was never about numbers, it has always been about relationships. While the tools we use to communicate have changed, how we are wired as human beings and relate to others is not different. We long for connection, but it must be based on real emotions, not bits, bites and links.

Get past the lust to link to as anyone and everyone. Nothing beats a relationship. Keep it real.

Have A Great Day.

thom

Another Rant on Social Media Linking Policies - Job Search LinkedIn Mistake

I got the below question from a friend who is seeking to hire a few people for his growing software company.

Thom-

Here’s one for you. I currently have two jobs posted on LinkedIn and I’m in the process of interviewing candidates. Shortly after posting the job, I started receiving “join my network” invites from potential candidates applying for the job. I’ve also received “join my network” invites from candidates within hours of conducting their interview – kind of like a follow-up / thank you letter.

I have not accepted any of the requests as of yet – and certainly will not accept those I’ve never met.

If I were to follow your rule of ‘coffee/beer/meal’ – technically I’ve sat down and “talked” to the candidates I’ve interviewed. On the other hand, I will not be hiring all of them. In fact, I might not hire any of them. So, should I accept their request? I’m leaning towards not.

Advice?

Joe (Name Changed To Protect The Guilty)

Come on people.... do not send social media links to people you do not know. I could scream it from the rooftops, and still people think social media is "Speed Dating" for business. It is not that shallow. There has to be a reason to be connected to each other or it is just more noise.

Being interviewed by a person for a job does not necessarily create a legitimate business connection (it might, if you really hit it off with the person. However, if that happens you will most likely get the job!). I do not think a job interview is equal to the "Coffee / Meal / Beer Rule". Plus it can be awkward if the person hiring thinks you are a loser.

There are many who think it is smart to link like crazy to every stranger on the planet. Their foolish linking lust makes LinkedIn and other social media is a great big phone book full of strangers. It makes them feel good as they collect large numbers of "fake friends", but with no real foundation, it is all a fraud. Grrrrrrr.

The folks who are sending LinkedIn requests to hiring managers who they have never met, or to people who interviewed them (and do not select them for the job) are hurting their chances more than helping. It is ridiculous.

A LINKEDIN REQUEST IS NOT A THANK YOU NOTE. I told my friend never to hire any clown who sends a social media connection request instead of a real "Thank You Note" (oh God, here come the zealots who will attack me for my opinion, only seeing this issue from their own point of view. Leave comments on this post telling me how I "don't get it", but I warn you, if you are nasty and do not leave your name and a real link to your own blog I will not publish your mean spirited comments).

Remember, building real relationships is not about YOU and your social media policies / beliefs. Instead it is about how the other person wants to cultivate the relationship. Moving too fast is proof you are an amateur.

What do you think? Should my friend link to these job seekers who are hungry to be his buddy?

Have A Great Day.

thom

Don't Burn Your Bridges By Having To Be The Smartest Person In The Room

When seeking answers to help you navigate the path toward success, sometimes a double dose of humility goes a long way.

Very often inexperienced entrepreneurs long for the advice, guidance and direction from successful business professionals, but fail to receive the boost they desire. We live in a relationship economy, and for the ecosystem to work, there must be give and take. Too often those who seek to take, forget they also must give in return. Their focus on what they desire clouds their judgment. Sometimes their gift is no more than allowing the more seasoned executive to share. They must be conscious of how the relationship is established or they could end up with nothing.

When they get their audience with the person of achievement, some spend too much time trying to prove how smart they are and kill their potential for a mentor, adviser, board member, investor, or a transfer of knowledge.

We all have egos and long for the respect of those we admire, but when exposed to greatness it is best not to try to demand the position of an instant peer. You earn respect, you do not demand respect from those at the top. To be a true leader, you must recognize the situation and acknowledge that sometimes it is best to follow others.

I have found that those who are the most successful (financially, emotionally and spiritually) no longer have anything to prove, and thus are beyond the need to be the smartest person in the room. They either know they are the brilliant one... or they know they are not (to be successful is not bound to being the smartest)... and their own victories speak for themselves. However, they expect those who seek their assistance to understand the realities of the situation, and to act accordingly.

I have struggled with this, and so have many others. Opportunities are lost when we must be right. It happens in business, politics, religion, and relationships, (anywhere human beings interact) that deals die before they are ever born.

Most successful people like to give a hand up to others who are making the effort to better themselves. They take pride in being a catalyst that launches others to the top. But they will not help others who lead with pride and ego. They have no reason to want to support a know-it-all.

When you get the chance to intact with the person who has achieved the success you desire, ask questions, listen, and learn. Help build the bridge of a relationship that can bring you both to a mutually beneficial exchange. If you disagree, resist the urge to "school" them on your point of view. While you might be right, you also might be missing some key pieces of information that will alienate them from serving as your guide. The best leaders seek to see the situation from other points of view.

Killing the golden goose hurts both you and the goose. You lose your easy gold, and they miss out on the joy of providing you with the riches they possess.

Have A Great Day.

thom

Do Not Pre-Judge Others

People are often too quick to judge others. They categorize them based on superficial traits and then file them away on a shelf.

But sometimes when we make snap decisions we miss out on building connections with the people who could become the most powerful long-term mutually beneficial relationships.



Have A Great Day.

thom

Who Is In Your Community?

I just got off the phone with NYP Speakers community. Since New Year Publishing launched NYP Speakers earlier this year, we have hosted a monthly conference call with the authors and speakers who are part of our group. The idea of the call is that the business of writing and speaking professionally can be a lonely way to earn a living, and having a group of friends to share "best practices" and inspiring success stories makes everyone better.

The calls are short (less than an hour), but often powerful in the ideas discussed. While I lead the call, I still learn something new about promoting books, social media, list building, digital media, newsletter tips, the speaking business, etc....

The idea of community is important. I wrote earlier this week about the power of belonging to your industry trade associations and actively participating. Being connected to others who are working in the same trenches as you is a bonus that pays off in countless ways. I find that knowing others in your line of work makes the path to success more visible.

I shared with a friend by email that I am rarely wary about competitors, as every deal I do as a keynote speaker (Emcee, facilitator, discussion leader, Conference Networking Catalyst, breakout speaker, etc... ) involves competition. I win some, I lose some.... but most meeting planners and other potential clients talk with more than one professional speaker before making a hiring decision (this is true for most vendor selections - regardless of industry). Never twice have I competed with the same person for a speaking gig. The country (world) is too big and there are too many conventions, meetings and seminars in need of professional speakers. Thus I have found I get more from sharing business practices with other speakers than I would if I saw them as the competition.

I spend a lot of time consulting with clients about the power of a community. Belonging to (and participating in) organizations in your industry and local geographic area is key. While it is easy to get busy and rationalize a million reasons not to participate, most people seem to desire to be more connected. Being part of a community is a basic human ritual that has existed as long as we have walked the earth. Do not avoid the pull of belonging. Find a community.

If you cannot find the right community, create one!

Who is your community? You should have social communities, business communities, spiritual communities, family communities, neighborhood communities, special interest communities (hobbies), etc....

Have A Great Day.

thom

Three Steps to Running Better Meetings

There are good meetings, bad meetings, and meetings where those in attendance would rather jump from the windows than sit through one more wasted minute.

If you work for a company larger than one person, serve on a volunteer committee / board, or belong to any type of organization then you will eventually have to sit through a meeting. There is a lot written about the effectiveness and necessity of meetings, but there is no reason why meetings should not be more productive. No meeting should be a waste of time for anyone in attendance.

I cannot estimate the number of meetings I have attended. The common denominator of a good meeting rests in the hands of the person in charge. Clear communication of goals, respect for all in the room (or on the phone line), and holding to a time limit can all be a reality. If the meeting sucks, you can be sure that the leader is not really in charge.

Here are my three suggestions to running better meetings:

1. Be sure the meetings is necessary, and how often a group should meet. Meeting for the sake of meeting is dumb. But not all meetings are a waste of time, but some of them are just held out of routine or a feeling that a group "should meet". There are reasons why groups need to gather to discuss important issues, but every organization must be careful not to overburden members with meetings.

A law firm of 25 lawyers had a consultant recommend they create 17 different management committees within the firm. The idea was each committee could meet monthly to discuss individual issues pertaining to the organization's future success. WHAT? So much for servicing clients. The lawyers would have spent much of their time planning for meetings, attending meetings, re-capping meetings or figuring out how they could avoid meetings.

2. Have a written agenda with time frames. You should never plan a meeting that does not have a pre-determined agenda that is distributed to all attendees in advance (a minimum of three hours in advance all should be emailed the agenda). Make sure that those who will be attending know the deadline to submit items for discussion in advance. Be clear that there may not be time for items not pre-approved for the agenda. You must allow for really important issues to be added while simultaneously avoiding rambling about unplanned topics that are not pertinent.

Have a start time and finish time for the meeting along with approximate time for each topic spelled out on the agenda. If the time for discussion needs to go longer for any one item, make sure the group agrees to extend the discussion. If the topic can be tabled until the next meeting, do it. When agreement is reached to extend discussion, and all are aware that this will make the whole meeting run longer, people will not gripe about the length of the meeting. Do not cut items lower on the agenda to make up for time.

3. Have time set aside to discuss underlying issues that might effect the group. Let members know if they have any issues with any items or individuals that they are required to bring them up at this point in the meeting. No organization can prosper if there is gossip, back biting, or secret "bitch sessions". Establish a culture where it is safe for people to share their views, while those on the other side are not instantly offended by what is said. If the group all understands the common goal, and egos can be left in check, then discussing problems does not have to be a negative or hurtful experience.

This is a hard thing to do, as sometimes people are often either too harsh in sharing their critical view points, or too sensitive to what others say. However, when a group can have an respectful airing of issues, then you will be more productive in future. When people harbor resentment and stew about things between meetings, everyone loses. This may require an education process for the whole group and strong moderation by the leader, but if done correctly this step can lead to the creation of a highly productive team.

If you leave the success of meetings to chance then you get whatever result you get. If you pre-plan and take ownership of running a better meeting then all in attendance (including the leader) will benefit from an effective and productive use of their time. You cannot hide from a bad meeting procedures.... and you do not want to encourage people to jump from the windows..

Have A Great Day.

thom

How To Be A Good Friend

A month ago I was called upon to facilitate a firm-wide lawyer retreat focused on business development for a great law firm in the Southwest. I have worked with this client before, and I am very impressed with the efforts of this group of attorneys to raise their image and brand in their community. They already have a wonderful reputation, but are also aware that "Law" is a business. They are working to ensure they make their business development, marketing, networking, branding, advertising, PR, sales, and social media a priority. I wanted to work more with this client!

The problem was the date of their meeting was over a four day trip that my wife was taking with my oldest daughter. This left me needing to find someone to take care of my 8-year-old. We do not have grandparents nearby, and there was no easy option that was comfortable for everyone involved (including me).

I asked a life-long friend from Los Angeles, Tim Homan, if he would consider flying to Tucson to spend two days with us. He could take Kate to the movies and swimming pool during my Friday and Saturday meetings at the law firm. He did not even hesitate. He has a flexible work schedule, and immediately agreed to step into help me. My need was to make sure that I would not be distracted by anything (or worried about Kate), as it takes a lot of effort and energy to prepare and facilitate a successful workshop.

I had not seen Tim in over two years, so it was also a chance for us to catch up. I purchased a airline ticket for him and we all arrived at in Tucson at the same time. We ate lunch and then I spent a few hours with my client. While I was with the lawyers, he took Kate to a movie. Later that night we all went to dinner (Mi Nindito is one of the best Mexican Restaurants in the country!! It was worth the hour and ten minute wait!). After Kate went to sleep we talked for several hours. The next day I facilitated the workshop while they went swimming. Finally we all had lunch and then drove back to the airport. Tim was home in L.A. by dinnertime on Saturday. Kate an I were home in Austin by 9 PM.

It was a short business trip, and a good time for everyone involved. Kate thought he was the most fun "Manny" (male nanny) in the whole world. Also, Kate and I had an adventure traveling together and ate dinner at TGI Fridays in the Dallas Airport, .... where I even let her have a hot fudge sundae (cuz I am a push over when that kid gives me that "cow eyes" look!).

This whole experience got me thinking a lot about "friendship". I have known Tim since 7th grade and we attended the same college. I cannot remember a time when we were not friends. We have always helped each other out in the "rough times" and have been present for the "good times". Whenever I have needed someone's help and he has never hesitated.

I took this experience to have a long talk with my daughter about the whole idea of "friendship". We talked "How To Be A Good Friend", and although she is only eight, she was very interested in the idea of having friendships that last over 30 years. I never know if any of my impromptu life lessons sink in with my kids, but this one seemed to make an impression. I pointed out that Tim has his own daughter, and I was sure he would have rather been in Southern California than in a movie theater with Kate in Arizona.... but that real friends are there to help each other.

The woman sitting next to Kate and I on the flight home heard our conversation and added "WOW, it is not every 43 year old guy that would give up his Friday and Saturday, and hop a plane, to baby-sit some kid for a couple of hours and then fly home! - That is the definition of a friend!". She is right.

I am fortunate, as I have several friends in my life who naturally step up help each other. I hope I am one of friends to them in return. I think I am, but I am motivated to work even harder in this area. It just takes noticing what others really need and then finding ways to be the catalyst that helps them succeed.

How about you? Are you the type of friend who comes through in those weird and rare occasions when they really just need someone... even if it is an inconvenience?

Have A Great Day.

thom

Helping Others Succeed Keeps You Employed

Could the people who hire you switch to a competitor and not miss you? Could your boss replace you and have no hiccups in their business?

Are you important to the success of others? Are you relevant to their business plan? Do they know that you help them succeed?

If your product or service is a commodity (or the clients can mistakenly think you are a commodity) then you have to do more than "your job" if you want to keep your job.

Seek ways to provide value beyond what you are charging. Have an interest in people, and let them see that you care about them as a person. Go deep in your empathy.

I worked with a vendor who clearly only saw our relationship as one where I paid them for services. I tried to establish a more meaningful friendship, as there was the opportunity for long term work (and referrals), but they were all business. They were also replaceable. That company no longer gets my money.

Concentrate on creating and cultivating meaningful and mutually beneficial relationships and you will get both the work and the joy of being an important part of the lives of others.

Be "all business" and you will have a lot of "transactions". You will also have to work much harder on finding new clients, as your current ones will eventually move on to your competition.

Have A Great Day.

thom

Conflict AND Why Email Can Be A Bad Way To Communicate

We have to be careful. A quickly written email can easily take on a life of its own and offend another person. It is hard to come back from a bad first impression.

It happens to everyone. Innuendo and meaning of the written word can easily get off track, and not come across the same as if you were speaking. This can cause the other person to jump to conclusions and become upset. At the very least it can harm their opinion of you. Maybe forever.

I had it happen to me today. I sent an email to someone I met recently, and it caused a conflict. Upon re-reading what I wrote, I can see exactly how it got off track. My intended meaning of the email, and the way it read were not in sync. Not good. But a life lesson.

The details of the story or with whom I was in conflict are not relevant to this blog post. Lets just say I made an assumption about how someone "felt" about a situation, and coupled that with an interpretation of how they acted. I injected my own "feelings" and sent an email.

Granted, I was not calling the person out or trying to be rude... in fact, I was trying to build a bridge for future interactions, but I came off as a bit arrogant, and maybe dismissive. It made the other person mad and they called me out on it.

If one is seeking to grow in life, such happenings are not simply random occurrences, but instead they are sign-posts to help us learn about ourselves. People come into our lives with all different types of experiences, expectations, personality types, etc.... We cannot assume that we all have the same goals and desires or that we are at the same stages along our paths.

I embrace when I make a mistake and I ponder the whole event so that I can come out the other side with more knowledge, maturity and smarts for the next time (because Lord knows, it is not the last time I will screw up!).

It is easy to miss the right ways to communicate with each person we encounter. It is easy to judge. It is easy to not like someone for how they behave. We all see situations from our own point of view.

We live in a day when email is pervasive, but it is not always the best tool to being true understanding between human beings. I think if I had made a phone call the whole thing would have been a positive experience.

In the end, this person may not forgive me. They may forever view me in a negative light. That I cannot control, but I can make sure I am more careful in the future.

How about you? Have you ever gotten off on the wrong foot with someone? Share your story with me.

Have A Great Day.

thom

Do Not Spend Your Time Picking Up Pennies While Stepping Over $100 Bills

Tough economy aside (yes, we need to stop talking about the economic problems of the last two years!), you have to see the big picture if you want long term success. I have learned this lesson the hard way in my life, but I come to appreciate that those who surround themselves with iron clad policies and procedures in how they do business can circumvent the long tail and cut off future profits and referrals.

When we do business we are interacting with human beings. People come with all sorts of background, baggage, opinions, emotions and feelings. Not a good combination for someone who wants everything to be corner stapled and signed on the dotted line.

The cliche "under promise and over-deliver" comes to mind. I work with too many people who deliver exactly what they promised and then want a trophy. Well woopty-do, you delivered what you promised. Shocking, yes, but doing your "job" is just the starting point. The thought of giving a little more does not always have to come with a new contract and a bill for additional services. Humans are impressed when you give them a little more than was expected. To make customers say "wow" you have to bend your own rules and find a way to make people feel they are special.

The most successful people I know (those who are successful financially, emotionally and spiritually) do not nickle and dime those around them. At a restaurant they split the tab down the middle, even when the other person had an extra glass of wine. In business they host their best clients for special events without tagging on additional money to their invoice (aka, provide extra value). With friends they celebrate victories no matter how small (what is important to the other person is important to them).

People who spending their time picking up pennies while stepping over $100 bills never even know they are doing it. They view every interaction as a potential for a win/lose... and they want to ensure they win. But win/win is not just a catchy theory that motivational speakers sing from the stage. It is real. Just because you give a little more to a customer without charging them, you do not lose.... you actually win -- as that person will invest more money with you over the long run and recommend your products and services to others.

If your customers feel they only exist in your world only to pay invoices, then they will eventually move on to your competition. You may have thought you won, because you got the money up front, you missed a whole pile of cash that could have been delivered to your doorstep in the future.

Look around at your business policies. Is everything you do directly tied to billing the client? Do you even know what you clients value from you company? (Those pesky humans again, each client will hold different things that will impress them).

How about you... what have you done lately for a client that gave them value and did not require them to pay for it (I do not mean emailing your newsletter!).

Have A Great Day.

thom